Help your friends and family help you with this list of support and necessities that are hard to manage once baby arrives.
“Let me know if I can help you in any way when the baby is born.”
“Just let me know if you need a hand.”
“Anything I can do, just give me a call.”
Most pregnant women get these statements from friends and family, but shy away from making requests when they are up to their ears in dirty laundry, unmade beds, dust bunnies and countertops crowded with dirty dishes. The myth of “I’m fine, I’m doing great, new motherhood is wonderful, I can cope and my husband is the Rock of Gibraltar” is pervasive in postpartum land. If you’re too shy to ask for help and make straight requests of people, I suggest sending the following list out to your friends and family. These are the things I have found to be missing in every house with a new baby. It’s actually easy and fun for outsiders to remedy these problems for new parents, but there seems to be a lot of confusion about what’s wanted and needed.
Buy us toilet paper, milk and beautiful whole grain bread.
Buy us a new garbage can wit h a swing-top lid and 6 pairs of black cot ton underpants (women’s size — ).
Make us a big supper salad with feta cheese, black Kalamata olives, toasted almonds, organic green crispy t hings and a nice homemade dressing on t he side. Drop it of f and leave right away. Or, buy us frozen lasagna, garlic bread, a bag of salad, a big jug of juice, and maybe some cookies to have for dessert. Drop i t of f and leave right away.
Come over about 2 in the afternoon. Hold t he baby while I have a hot shower, put me to bed wit h the baby and then fold all the piles of laundry that have been dumped on t he couch, beds or in the room corners. If there’s no laundry to fold yet, do some.
Come over at 10 a.m., make me eggs, toast and a half a grapefruit. Clean my fridge and throw out everything you are in doubt about. Don’t ask me about anything; just use your best judgment.
Put a sign on my door saying “Dear Friends and Family, Mom and baby need extra rest right now. P lease come back in seven days, bu t phone first. A ll donations of casserole dinners would be most welcome. Thank you for caring about t his family.”
Come over in your work clot hes and vacuum and dust my house and t hen leave quietly. It’s tiring for me to chat and have tea with visitors but i t will renew my soul to get some rest knowing I will wake up t o clean, organized space.
Take my older kids for a really fun-filled afternoon to a park, zoo or Science World and feed them healthy food.
Come over and give my husband a two-hour break so he can go to a coffee shop, pub, hockey rink or some other R&R t hat will delight him. Fold more laundry.
Make me a giant pot of vegetable soup and clean the kitchen completely afterward. Take a big garbage bag and empty every trash basket in the house, and reline them with fresh bags.
These are the kindnesses that new families remember and appreciate forever. It’s easy to spend money on gifts, but the things that really make a difference are the services for the body and soul described above. Most of your friends and family members don’t know what they can do that won’t be an intrusion. They also can’t devote 40 hours to supporting you, but would be thrilled to devote 4 hours. If you let 10 people help you out for 4 hours, you will have the 40 hours of rested, adult support you really need with a newborn in the house. There’s magic in the little prayer, “I need help.”
This article appeared in Pathways to Family Wellness magazine, Issue #33.
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